Friends, as this year draws to a close I have made some decisions that pertain not only to my own life but to this blog as well.
As far as this blog is concerned the change is minor. I will still be writing periodically about my daily musings and goings on, but on top of that I shall also be using this as a creative outlet. I stumbled upon a book I was given back in junior year of highschool by my creative writing teacher, Ms. C. "A Writer's Book of Days" is the book and it gives you (the writer) short prompts and inspirations to begin writing and you set aside a time for yourself everyday to create something from those prompts. When I told my boyfriend about this idea he said "but why can't you just write?" A valid question. With a valid answer. I have been writing on and off since highschool and I used to be able to just sit and write out pages upon pages and I thought it was decent, but now I feel age and experience make me feel very inadequate as a writer. So, I sit down to write and knock out a page or two and then I feel it's all crap and ultimately end up throwing it out. I have all of these ideas but I'm having trouble getting them out of my head and onto the page, so I feel that setting aside 30 minutes (minimum) a day to write everyday and having a small sentence to guide me may help me regain the confidence of my youth. "What does this have to do with us?" you're probably wondering. Well, dear friends, I have decided that I shall be posting whatever comes out of these prompts here. Don't worry, I won't be linking all of the posts to Facebook and other social networking sites. Just the ones I feel deserve a good read. You are always more than welcome to stop by any time and read, if you like. I can't guarantee that all of them will hold any weight, but this is an adventure after all.
As far as my life is concerned, well, I have decided to undergo another adventure and pick up another hobby (on top of the daily writing). With the coming of the new year I have become determined to take better care of myself. I'm going to start working out, mostly at home for now but you never know maybe I'll grow a pair and start running outside. To help me on this journey I had my boyfriend buy me some workout gear as a Christmas present, which (I'm hoping) will guilt me into working out everyday, or almost everyday. I have four months until we go to Puerto Rico and I am determined to look like should actually be wearing a bikini. The big change will be my sobriety. For the entire month of January, friends, I will not be consuming any "adult beverages". I'm going to go out with a bang on New Year's Eve and then for the 30 or so days after I will be the DD. I will be the pinnacle of sobriety!
This will be a journey into my soul. This will be an interesting 30 days. I'm determined to get into shape, not only physically but mentally as well. I'm armed with my running shoes, a fancy new Nike training app on my phone, a new 'do, a kindle loaded with the classics (The Last of the Mohicans, Black Beauty, Jane Eyre, A Tale of Two Cities, the Lord of the Rings, etc., etc., etc.), a new notebook and pen, and an iron will.
So there it is, friends. I hope you'll stick around.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
My one regret
Dear friends, I am sorry for being MIA these past few weeks. I had meant to write a Thanksgiving post but once I started I felt like it was crap so I promptly deleted it. It was all downhill from there really. I went to, what I call, "my dark place", everyone knows what I'm talking about. That place you go to when you have too much time on your hands and you start dwelling on things that you ultimately can't change in the here and now.
For me, it pertains to a certain place and a certain time spent there. Although good things did come out of my time spent there I still can't help but raise a glass and say "to Columbia College Chicago, my one regret." Like I said great things happened while I was there. I have amazing friends that I met while living in the dorms. I found the greatest love a girl could ask for there in those cramped rooms and hallways and yet I came out of that place more mixed up then when I went in.
When I first arrived in the city I was certain of what I wanted to do; I was going to wait tables and pursue the stage. After I graduated that dream slowly faded to the background where it became "do whatever it takes to survive". Now, almost three years after graduation and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. At this point it's not even, "what do I want to do that will make me the happiest", even though I'm trying to my damnedest to work happiness into the equation, now it's "what can I do to make enough money to pay back my 100,000$ + loans". That's right friends I said $100,000+!
God, that feels good to finally say out loud. I have been carrying this around for a long while and the entire time I have been bearing the burden, because it is my fight. It's my fault. I was the one who insisted that I move to this city and go to that school, and you try to tell yourself that you're not the only one. I know of a quite a few people who have graduated from Columbia who are now working at Blockbuster, Starbucks, AMC, doing anything to make sure you have food in the fridge. So the next question is: what do you do?
I have had many "ideas", hair-brained as they are, I've pretty much run the gamet of "pay back loan" ideas. Everything just short of selling my body (damn those morals) and I still can't find it. I'm never going to write the next great American novel. I'm never going to star in that new Tony award wining show (at least not in the next ten years). I'm never going to be able to pay back these loans making 4.95 an hour on top of the tips I'm making. So, I had a thought...
For those of you who don't know I work next to a law school which is where I got the idea of getting my paralegal certification, which is what I'm doing now at a community college near the house. But what if I took it a step further? What if I bit the bullet and went to law school? I'm enjoying my classes, for the most part, and after working next to a law school for so many years I think I may actually be able to do it. I am only human after all and when I get these thoughts in my head I quickly think that I'm not good enough, not smart enough; but I see some of these people who have made it into law school and I'm just as smart as them, when I apply myself. It would mean taking out more loans, yes, but while I was in school I wouldn't have to worry about getting those calls saying that I'm late making a payment, a fact that I know even before they call, because it would put my loans into deferment. It would mean long nights and heavy books. But it would also mean that once I got out I would, more than likely, be able to find a job where I could provide for myself. I've heard that the attorney job market isn't the best right now, but I would be finished in three to four years and a lot can happen in that time.
For the first time I think I've found something that I actually enjoy doing and would be able to do well, one professor from said law school next door said that she could see me up in front of a jury. I should thank her because she is the reason I'm even considering this in the first place. Is it crazy? Yes. But for the first time I can think of the future and not be afraid.
For me, it pertains to a certain place and a certain time spent there. Although good things did come out of my time spent there I still can't help but raise a glass and say "to Columbia College Chicago, my one regret." Like I said great things happened while I was there. I have amazing friends that I met while living in the dorms. I found the greatest love a girl could ask for there in those cramped rooms and hallways and yet I came out of that place more mixed up then when I went in.
When I first arrived in the city I was certain of what I wanted to do; I was going to wait tables and pursue the stage. After I graduated that dream slowly faded to the background where it became "do whatever it takes to survive". Now, almost three years after graduation and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. At this point it's not even, "what do I want to do that will make me the happiest", even though I'm trying to my damnedest to work happiness into the equation, now it's "what can I do to make enough money to pay back my 100,000$ + loans". That's right friends I said $100,000+!
God, that feels good to finally say out loud. I have been carrying this around for a long while and the entire time I have been bearing the burden, because it is my fight. It's my fault. I was the one who insisted that I move to this city and go to that school, and you try to tell yourself that you're not the only one. I know of a quite a few people who have graduated from Columbia who are now working at Blockbuster, Starbucks, AMC, doing anything to make sure you have food in the fridge. So the next question is: what do you do?
I have had many "ideas", hair-brained as they are, I've pretty much run the gamet of "pay back loan" ideas. Everything just short of selling my body (damn those morals) and I still can't find it. I'm never going to write the next great American novel. I'm never going to star in that new Tony award wining show (at least not in the next ten years). I'm never going to be able to pay back these loans making 4.95 an hour on top of the tips I'm making. So, I had a thought...
For those of you who don't know I work next to a law school which is where I got the idea of getting my paralegal certification, which is what I'm doing now at a community college near the house. But what if I took it a step further? What if I bit the bullet and went to law school? I'm enjoying my classes, for the most part, and after working next to a law school for so many years I think I may actually be able to do it. I am only human after all and when I get these thoughts in my head I quickly think that I'm not good enough, not smart enough; but I see some of these people who have made it into law school and I'm just as smart as them, when I apply myself. It would mean taking out more loans, yes, but while I was in school I wouldn't have to worry about getting those calls saying that I'm late making a payment, a fact that I know even before they call, because it would put my loans into deferment. It would mean long nights and heavy books. But it would also mean that once I got out I would, more than likely, be able to find a job where I could provide for myself. I've heard that the attorney job market isn't the best right now, but I would be finished in three to four years and a lot can happen in that time.
For the first time I think I've found something that I actually enjoy doing and would be able to do well, one professor from said law school next door said that she could see me up in front of a jury. I should thank her because she is the reason I'm even considering this in the first place. Is it crazy? Yes. But for the first time I can think of the future and not be afraid.
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